What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
The weather outside is snow joke.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
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