What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
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