The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
The snuggle is real.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
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