Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
It’s worth a shot.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
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