Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
I couldn't chair less!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
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