Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
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