What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
You're the ruler of my heart.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
"Adulting makes me wine."
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
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