What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
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