Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
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