I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
My fridge is hotter than you.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
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