"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Go to BabaMail
