What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Thin grippy thick slippery.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Go to BabaMail
