My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Hold on for deer life.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
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