There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Icy what you did there.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
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