Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
I Ecuador you.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
It's ice to meet you.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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