According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
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