Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.

What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.

“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.

The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

You're hot enough for both of us during winter.

Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!

I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?

What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?

Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.

My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!

Irish food is legen-dairy.

Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!

People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry

There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.

What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.

So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"

What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck

My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.

What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.

I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?

Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.

How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen

The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.

What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble

Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.

Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.

What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.

What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.

I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.

Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.