A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
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