I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
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