"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
You should see what I can do with ice.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
There’s no reason to wine about you.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
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