What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.

The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.

Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.

My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”

Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!

What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.

What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.

A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.

Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland

What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud

You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.

Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."

How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.

Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.

Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.

Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey

My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.

I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.

What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!

Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.

Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.

What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!

If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.

What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!

Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.

“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell

Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.

What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!

What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.

What's your number?? Err I mean your name?

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.

You make me want to Twist and Shout