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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
It's lit.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
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