“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Nice life preservers.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
This is snow laughing matter!
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Tropic like it's hot.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
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