"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
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