How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
You are my raisin to smile.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
We have great chemis-tree.
Better read than dead.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
That look soots you.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
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