What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
"I've found some bunny to love."
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
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