What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"

Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.

A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”

How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister

What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.

"Don't worry, be hoppy."

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.

What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.

Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.

What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!

I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.

What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”

What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!

Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.

I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.

I can feel something brewing between the two of us.

What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.

Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.

What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.

Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?

Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”