“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
I perform best when I’m wet.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
I read dead people.
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