You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
You’re my pot of gold.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
You’re wine in a million.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
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