I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
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