Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
It's lit.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
After all is sled and done.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
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