There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Nice asteroids.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
We’re a perfect mash.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
You are the square to my root.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
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