Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
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