I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
How much will $20 get me?
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
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