"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
You're one in a melon.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
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