There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
I only have ice for you.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
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