“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
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