Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Eddie edited it.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
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