I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
People are always after me lucky charms.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
I pitcher us together forever.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Go to BabaMail
