My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
I feel tail great!
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
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