What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Water you doing on [date]?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
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