How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
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