What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
I would love to show you first class.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
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