What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I love when you coddle me.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
"My cat doesn't like you."
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
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