I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
You’re my #1 pick.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
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