I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
You're just my cup of tea!
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
"Aloe you vera much."
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
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