The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I’m soy into you.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Writers have great climaxes.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Some people have no guts."
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