Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?

What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.

Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.

Would you like to share fire with me?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent

Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??

Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.

Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

- Richard Jeni

What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.

What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.

I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.

Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...

Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns

The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...

It hertz.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey

Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.

What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.

“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”

The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.

What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.

(By Faaizah)

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.

My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.

The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.

Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.