My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
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