A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
He’s an elf-made man.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
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