What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
"Alcohol you later."
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
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