What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
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