What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!

No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!

My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!

[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.

Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.

My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.

Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous

A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.

Your love will always be up to par.

My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.

What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!

Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!

Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!

What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.

What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.

This weekend is going to be LITerary.

The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.

What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai

My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.

I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!

He threw three free throws.

When are you going to invite me to church?

Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!

How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.