I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Tis the sea-sun.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
"Aloe you vera much."
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I’m soy into you.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
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