What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
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