Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Whatever coats your boat.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
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