Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
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