Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
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