What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
You make miso happy.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
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