Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Having a ball
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
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