You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
I can be your travel pillow.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
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