I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
"Love the wine you're with."
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
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