What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
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