There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
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