The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Octopus ocular optics.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
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