What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What a spud muffin.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
You should see what I can do with ice.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
Resting Grinch face.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
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