“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

- Erma Bombeck.

We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?

What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.

What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.

Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”

If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon

Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.

“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”

– Bill Bowerman

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren

Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.

Your good weed for the day.

How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.

I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

- Bill Maher

What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"

What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.

Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.

Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon

What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.

What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.

I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.

"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline

Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.

If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?

What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.

Your name is insert name here?

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?

Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.

Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.

As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.