A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Permission to board?
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
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