What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
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