What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
You're such a TEAse.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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