Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.

Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.

What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.

What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.

I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.

What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!

Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.

We are looking pitcher-perfect.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.

The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.

hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”

"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses

"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.

I snuggle to get through these winter days.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby

"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed

Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns

Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape

Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.

What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.

It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.