What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Reading is a novel idea.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
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