What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
I call the shots.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
I fence-y you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
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