Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
One trick peony.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
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