How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
"Just don't carrot all."
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