What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Every function without you will always be void of love.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
I want you for no raisin.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
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