What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
"Rosé all day."
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
"I wood never leaf you."
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
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