"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
You are my butter-half!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Beer-lieve it or not!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
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