Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Whatever floats your goat.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
You're acute Valentine.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
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