My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
I didn't know angels flew this low.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
I yam what I yam.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Go to BabaMail
