After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
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