I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
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