What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
That was thaw-some!
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