What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
You're the ruler of my heart.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
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