Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Tropic like it's hot.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Give me some pigskin
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
How hot does your gas oven get?
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
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