What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
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