Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Go to BabaMail
