Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
You are the square to my root.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
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