What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
You're the thought that counts!
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
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