A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
You sleigh me.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
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