Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I only have ice for you.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
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