So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Icy what you did there!
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
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