Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
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