It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
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