That was thaw-some!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
I am a mean green machine.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
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