Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
"You deserve better and so do I."
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
You're so clover!
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
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