What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
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