"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
I can sea clearly now.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
How about we get down to monkey business?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
Go to BabaMail
