All punts are highly intended
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
"Time to wine down."
You are the object of my preposition.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
In on the ground flora.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
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